


parting is such sweet sorrow

by arataka



Series: hellstar [4]
Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff with Angst, Not Beta Read, johns scared!! hes concerned and very in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-12
Updated: 2020-08-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:47:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25851574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arataka/pseuds/arataka
Summary: john fears that one day, he will end up just like nate. he's not the best at letting go.
Relationships: John Constantine/Zari Tomaz | Zari Tarazi
Series: hellstar [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1874587
Comments: 10
Kudos: 38





	parting is such sweet sorrow

_"My bounty is as boundless as the sea,  
My love as deep; the more I give to thee,  
The more I have, for both are infinite." (Romeo & Juliet, II, ii.)_

* * *

his greatest fear (not that he likes to admit he has any) when it comes to zari is the possibility that they might have to start over. that maybe one day the legends will somehow erase heyworld's existence and put something else in the timeline in its place, effectively getting rid of the zari he knew and loved as well as the zari before her. john feared that one day he will be like nate, left behind in a new multiverse without the zari he loved— just barely being able to pick up the pieces to create a fainted image of what he cherished before. 

if they were to simply break up- god forbid- john would be hurt, but he could heal. they could still remain friends. he would still have her in his life as a shoulder to cry on. but if- _again_ god forbid- zari were to die, or be lost to the cruel cogs of time or some other crazy event he's heard about on the waverider, he wouldn't know what to do with himself.

the thought of it keeps him up at night, the fear rattling within his bones as if a cold wind flew past him and only him. when the fear would haunt his waking moments or his dreams, john would stare at the ceiling for an hour or two or five as he waits for zari's alarm to inevitably ring. and then she would ask him, _"why are you awake so early?"_ with a laugh and a peck to his forehead as she cuddled closer to him and he's reminded of what he has. her breath fanning his neck, the sweet faint smell of her perfume from last night, the feeling of zari's 500 thread count sheets under his skin. 

he doesn't dare tell her. or sara. or gideon. or gary. never gary. gary would only shout " _awww_!" at him before fawning over the fact that john's heart is healing slowly and carefully and he's afraid of someone ripping the stitches back open again. (john assumes that he refuses tell gary about the nightmares and his fears because he doesn't want to confront that fact that he is very, _very_ in love with zari tarazi.)

* * *

"do you miss her, mate?" the question falls from the tip of his tongue faster than he could think. john's eyes turn their attention to a donut, before meeting nate's own as one of them peeked through the pastry's hole. 

he doesn't know why he even asks. he hates long-winded backstories when a question could be answer with a simple " _yes_ " or " _no_ ". but a part of him feels bad— nate had gotten to meet her for the first time again in this multiverse, and then she had to leave as quickly as she came. and now, john was dating this multiverse's version of his totem-imprisoned lover.

ugh. if he wanted a splitting headache, he would just think about how fucked up this timeline is instead of drinking himself into a horrible hangover.

"i do," nate says. he stares down at the donut with a frown. "i love her, but there's no way she could be here without behrad dying to balance the timeline. so... it's helpless, kinda." 

he nods. he regrets asking.

* * *

there's one night where the nightmares are particularly bad, where john wakes up to a brand-new timeline and zari doesn't remember him. a timeline without the zari who playfully argues with him just to bust his chops, the zari who likes including him in her videos and then sings praises about him when he leaves the room, the zari who immediately knows the perfect way to comb her fingers through his hair. in her place was a blank slate, meek and compliant and a stranger who wore the same exact face as the woman he loves.

he wakes up with a shout that startles zari awake as well, immediately by his side with frantic hands exploring him in the dark to make sure he was okay. john stares at her intently, as if he were to commit her face to memory (though he suspects he's already done that anyway). 

"who are you?" john asks after a few moments, interrupting zari's continuous calls of " _john_?", " _john_!", and even " **john?!** ". he sits up and holds zari's face in his hands, as she does the same. a thumb wipes away the tears from john's face he didn't know he shed.

she chuckles, "i'm zari, idiot. you know, your girlfriend and self-made millionnaire? what happened?"

"nothing," he kisses her forehead before rolling over back onto zari's bed. 

"john. yelling yourself out of sleep isn't exactly ' _nothing_ '."

the blanket is brought up to john's shoulders as he snugly wraps his body with it, not allowing himself to face to her. "i just had a nightmare, love. nothing too serious."

"do you want to talk about it?"

"no," he answers quickly. his eyes wander to the alarm clock on the bedside table, the only source of light in zari's room. "it's three in the morning. could we go back to sleep now?" 

" _john_." her voice dipped lower into her more serious tone, similar to the one she uses when a staff member screws up an important event or whenever she notices a cigarette hanging from john's lips.

he rolls over to face her, staring at her form in the dark. "it was about you, okay? it was about a timeline where we accidentally made another version of you- separate from you and that other zari- and you didn't remember me. you didn't love me. are you happy now?"

he hates the silence that hangs over them like a guillotine moments before it strikes. zari places her hands on both his shoulders first then pulls him into a tight embrace, nuzzling her head into the crook of his neck.

"are you afraid of losing me?" the authoritativeness fell away to reveal a more hushed tone as she rubbed circles carefully into john's shoulder. "no matter which zari i am, in universe number who-knows-how-many, i will still love you, john. whether it be as friends or as lovers or as whatever weird frenemies thing we used to have going on, i will always love you. you know that right?"

john would say yes, if it wasn't for his throat feeling like it might close up and the fear that he might choke on a simple single word. so he nods instead, and zari hums. 

"i love you, john. i swear it by the moon," she tells him.

a line appears at the front of his brain and john laughs at himself— it was almost too cheesy to say. but he sniffles his nose and swallows deeply only to say it anyway, "oh, swear not by the moon, the inconstant moon, that monthly changes in her circle orb, lest that thy love prove likewise variable." his voice wavered as he remembered the line from zari's beautiful performance of juliet back when it all began for the two of them. back when he suddenly noticed how beautiful her eyes were, and when he suddenly noticed how much of a bad actor he was. after all, it was easier to act being in love with your love interest if you were actually falling for them.

she chuckles, her shoulders shaking up and down as she does so and john along with them. they stay in that position for a while, john wrapped up in zari's blanket and her own embrace. he drifts off back to sleep first, lightly snoring the night away as the sounds take a heavy weight off of zari's chest. 

she removes her arms from around him for just a moment (john seemed aware of this, somehow, because he makes a few whines in protest) to move to a more comfortable position so she could sleep well too.

in the faint light of her bedroom, she takes one last look at john. she takes in the sight of his features not scrunched together out of worry or anxiousness or concern, his eyes shut peacefully and his mouth hanging open almost comically as he snored. zari leans forward a few inches to place the lightest kiss upon his lips.

"good night, good night, though we are not apart, i shall say good night till it be morrow." 

**Author's Note:**

> another one of my daily hellstar drabbles !!! i have a few more ideas for things to write but if you have any suggestions or requests or whatever please let me know !!!! thank you and i hope you enjoyed :-)


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